I felt this question needed to be asked. It needed to be said, it needed space to just be.

My response?  Why not. This space is me finally betting on myself, pouring into me, all of me. This has always been a dream of mine to have a space where I can just release it all. Maybe someone will relate, maybe not but no more what ifs. Now, I’m just doing it.

Learning To Be Small

In the past, especially my teenage years, I really struggled with being myself. I feel most of us do, but I truly wanted to fit in. I wanted to have friends but not just any friends, I wanted true friends. Don’t we all? I just wanted someone to choose me. To speak up for me. To say, yeah Miriah, she’s my friend. No talking badly about me when I wasn’t around. No pretending to be my friend. No fake liking me. Most of the time, I talked to whoever talked to me or I didn’t say anything at all. I did not know what to say, it seemed everything I said wasn’t perceived well. Or whatever silly thing I did I got teased about. So, I learned to be quiet. I spoke when I was asked and I learned to give just enough. Just enough so no more questions would be asked. Just enough so I could keep me to me. Just enough to not expose me. Just enough to not be humiliated. Just enough to not have my feelings hurt. I learned to be a loner and ok with being by myself. It was just enough to keep me SAFE. And I carried that with me into my adult years.

Where It Started

I grew up VERY sheltered. I was not allowed to be without a parent or a trustworthy family member. I didn’t attend birthday parties, after school functions, sleepovers, trips or anything without my mom being around. I understand why now. It left me with many questions. It left me questioning every decision, thought or feeling.

Who am I? What do I like? Am I not a likable person? Why don’t I have friends? My cousins won’t even hang out with me. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? She bartered with me on everything, but I didn’t understand it then. I won’t celebrate your birthday, but I will buy you this shirt. I won’t let you go to your cousin’s house, but I’ll buy you those shoes you wanted. No, you can’t go to the football game, but we’ll go shopping this weekend.

Style &Self-Doubt

She taught me the ONE thing I love to do. She taught me to dress up, look put together no matter where you go. But in the way she thought I should. I would put together all kinds of outfits; she called them tacky. So, I changed. Got her approval and went on about my day. Doubt took over everything. I always doubted myself. I didn’t even give myself the chance to prove myself wrong.

The Outfit I Never Wore Again

I finally got the opportunity to wear a floral outfit. It was a floral top with matching pants. I LOVED THAT OUTFIT. From the moment I stepped into that school, I was teased. All day. After school, I went home, took it off and never wore it again. I started dressing like everyone else. Solid colors but no patterns, no prints and jeans. Skinny jeans. I hated them but since every girl in school wore them, I folded. I threw out all my wide leg jeans and bell bottoms. And conformed to the skinny jean era.

Understanding & Unlearning

My childhood was not horrible. My mom loved/loves me with every ounce in her body. She took care of me to the best of her abilities. She did the best she could with what she had at the time. What she had instilled in her. We both share the LOVE of all things: clothes, shoes, bags but my expression has always been a bit bolder and louder. She didn’t know what to do with that then and she still doesn’t know what to do with it now. I understand. If only she would have allowed me to explore that earlier, I would not be as doubtful in my abilities as I am now.

Healing Thru Style

Maybe to her it was too much. But for me it’s just who I am! So, with healing thru style, I am going to do just that. Explore the too muchness. No doubts. Only doing.